Internal Conflict

When I think about where I want to transfer to after next year I am conflicted. When I think about what kind of work I want to be doing once I get out of school I am conflicted. It's all one big self-confliction and I haven't the slightest idea how to sort it all out before it's too late.

Thinking about it I've always kind of had this identity issue (don't worry, this isn't about to get psychotic), but I've always been torn between my farm girl roots and my curiosity for the bigger world. A Country Mouse and the City Mouse dilema if you will.
There's a simplicity to the country life that I love---there's something beautiful about deep green grass and a hard day's work and an honest living. The older I grow, the more I admire the country people. The more I appreciate the work my parents do to produce high quality milk--the more I see the injustice of how little farmers get for doing so much. My parents work 12-14 hours every day (including weekends) on the farm, all year round, yet we're just making ends meet. Seeing our struggle always kind of pushed me away from the lifestyle, "I just want to do anything but that..," get me to the city, give me tall buildings, clean structures, modern interior design. Give me a desk and an office and a steady paycheck that has no dependency on the inconsistent prices for milk/hundredweight. But now as I get older I'm drawn more to the pride of producing something, creating something of your own that can better the world somehow. I get ideas in my head of expanding our maple business, of possibly starting up some kind of other venture.. I get ideas of having a nice house out in the country with plenty of land.. If I have a family that's something I definitely want.. I can't picture myself permenantly living in a city.. It's something I would do for awhile for the experience of it, but I feel like it isn't where my roots are. So it makes me wonder where my future is headed. I always thought I was bound to be this big city girl, you know? I mean maybe.. but it's all so confusing. There's like two images of myself that I conjure up when I think about the future.
On one side I see this professional journalist. This magazine editor, or this columnist, this successful woman who's aware of the world and has a voice to speak about it. She knows the issues, she cares about the issues, and she pushes them to the surface. She conducts or contributes to meetings with big fancy posterboard with expoential growth charts and vibrant photos to be selected for the publication. She writes down story ideas and her words hit the printed press in copy, after copy, after copy. She has Starbucks in one hand and a ballpoint pen in the other, she gets down the business.
Now meet the other self, she's in the sugarhouse boiling down tree sap to make maple syrup. A lively Austrailian Shepard paces in front of her, asking for attention. Once she finishes boiling for the day she goes inside to work a little more on her novel with a cup of hot chocolate sitting on her large wooden desk. The dog sleeps beneath her feet and only stirs when the front door opens signaling that her husband is home. Maybe she's a notable author, or maybe she works for a local media outlet, but she resides in the country. There's room for dogs to run and a family to grow. She might have some livestock, maybe if she gets ambitious she'll start up a small dairy business, or maybe she'll raise puppies, or maybe her husband is a crop man. Or something else entirely, or a mixture. Whatever she does she loves the land and loves the animals, she takes care of them both. An agricultural hippie.

This is why I'm so conflicted. I see these two persons, and I don't know which path I'm supposed to take.

College I feel is a major step in either direction. Two of the schools I'm considering go hand in hand with these opposite persons. One is a media arts college in Chicago, supposed to be fantastic for gaining a media-driven education, they even have Magazine Journalism as its own independent major. Usually everything is just lumped together under the vague title of "Journalism." Great facilities, wicked cool dorm options (bathroom and kitchen in every suite), really modern look.. And they have a minor in environmental science option. Problem is, it's a big change to a humongous city--and it's 15 hours away by car. Coming home, I'd be on a plane for sure. Needless to say I wouldn't be coming home too much.

School #2 is half an hour to 45 minutes away, but in Vermont instead of New York. It's a small liberal arts college, focused on environmental sustainability. It's a close-knit community, and they do have a Communications/Journalism major, but it isn't nearly as focused as the city college, but that doesn't mean it can't be a good program. This school has Agricultural programs and a Writing program along with many environmental applications, that's its main thing afterall. It even has its own campus-run farm, where the students take on the responsibility of making sure the chores get done and the plants and livestock are taken care of. You learn about farming and how to do things like make your own cider and honey. There's a lot of chances to do things outdoors for recreation. I'm not sure if I would be better off commuting or living on campus if I went to this school..I'd kind of rather live on campus, but if the cost is greater than the gas---then it's up in the air.

I just don't know.. The city seems so interesting, but I also love the charm of a small, close-knit college full of other peace and earth-loving hippies like me. What if I try to snatch a bite of the city mouse cheese, only to be caught in the paws of the big cat? I just don't know, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. There's options beyond these two schools, but they're my top contenders at the moment, so I thought it'd be best to pair them against eachother.

There's one constant across my inconsistent string of ideas, and that's to receive a good education. Regardless of what I wind up doing, I want to always be learning, and college grants the best opportunities for that--the best intellectual environments, and I want to sieze the opportunity while I still can.

I know this was one big annoying argument with myself, so if any of you read this, I give you major credit.. Hopefully my next post will be on a different sort of topic.

OH WAIT, maybe I should let you guys know about my trip.. So I went in positive spirits, a chance to do something with my mom, and a "Farm Show" honestly didn't sound too bad to me, as I've admitted in this post, I'm kind of into that stuff. So we go late Thursday morning. We do a little shopping at the mall and go back to the hotel because we intend on going to the farm show in the morning. Hello major blizzard... It was snowing non-stop Friday, my mom was too weary to venture out in it.. So we were stuck in the hotel room, all day. I think I watched "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" and "The Shining." Perfect for being stranded in a hotel, no? So somehow I managed to survive through that, I tried to keep my complaining at a minimal, I knew my mom hadn't planned on this happening--it was right at the end of my vacation from college too.. so I really didn't want to be stuck for a day of nothing. But the next day we packed our bags, checked out of the Best Western, and headed to the Farm Show.It was pretty alright stuff. Mainly vendor booths advertising their product or services, spoke with some of them. It'd definitely be neat for someone who knew what everything was. Lots of big machinery, like huge. It was neat to be around so many "farm folk," wearing their Carhartts and boots, seeing both children and boys my own age climbing up into the tractor's to look them over. Did I mention this was all inside, thank god.. So my mom and I went around and looked at most every booth, she talked to company correspondents that she knew, we got a free buffet lunch from some friends of hers, and I bought maple cotton candy in the maple part. Although I wish it hadn't been a three-day-excursion, I'm glad I went and spent time with her, and it was a good experience to go to the show.

It was nice to come back though. I finished up visiting with friends, saw Amanda again, spent more time with Tom and Julie's family. One day, the day I was supposed to be heading back to college, Tom had the idea to go snowboarding on the hill behind his house. So much fun. It was pretty warm out too, so we were just in jeans and sweatshirts, falling down in the snow, and it didn't even feel that cold! I just got right back up, and trudged back up the mountain, it wasn't uncomfortably cold at all, it was weirdly..refreshing. I fell alot though, I have a ways to go in my snowboarding career, ha ha. Luckily the snow was deep too, so no pain. One run, I fell directly on top of the burdox bush... Smooooooth. Thankfully I had Tom to help pick the burs out of my sweatshirt. I went grocery shopping with them, and I had my own list too, and we didn't get back until 6:30 or so, and my mom wanted to take me home by 5, or I needed to find an alternative ride, she's not a night-time driver. So I decided what the hell, I'll just stay another night, because Julie offered to take me back the next day. So I went home and said my goodbyes, got a nice visit in with my grandma :). Never again after that one time, will I ever let myself be home without seeing my grandma atleast once. That time I ran out of time before I had to go back to college---guilt ate me for breakfast, lunch, and dinner all week. It felt nice to have an extra night too, not to rush right back to school. Julie and I had a nice drive down here too, I wish it had been farther kind of so our conversation didn't have to end as soon as it did. I'm hoping her and Amanda will come down to hang out here this weekend, but it's undecided. But here I am now, at college once again. Procrastinating homework once again ;), but atleast I'm blogging. I hope everything is going well with all of you.

Olive

I am happy to announce that I'm on "winter break," but it's more than halfway over. I've just been too busy and stranded from my computer to update. I have spent every day of the break working at Polo, and nearly every night with Tom and Julie at their house. Needless to say, there hasn't been much solitude with my computer. School has been hectic too, homework assignments, tests, club meetings--- I got my act together and joined this Society of Professional Journalists club--- so hopefully I get a more solid background in my major as a result of it. There's only been one meeting but the people who are in it are all really nice, laid back, knowledgable people. I think it's definitely going to be good for me.

So there's this cat at my house. Actually, there's a lot of cats at my house. When you live on a farm people find it acceptable to just drop random cats off that they decide they no longer want, or lack the time to take care of. This leads to cats multiplying, and a farm overrun with felines. Anyways, this one black cat has been hanging around, coming in and out of the house for over a year now, regularly giving birth to litters of kittens outside. A couple of weeks ago "Mama cat" gave birth to a kitten. Yes, a single, solitary kitten, and she took it upon herself to pick it upwith her teeth by the scruff of its neck, and bring it into our bathroom closet. So we now have a kitten in our closet.. :)

While I'm on the subject of pets, Tom caught a mole in his house awhile ago. It has been living in the wall for quite some time, sneaking out to steal from the dogfood bowl. He's never been quick enough to catch the thing, but finally he did. He constructed a little mole habitat in a large white bucket filled with like a foot of dirt, the top of a jar for a water dish, and a piece of wood. We named him Molson, after the beer. He burrowed in the dirt and drank his water and ate the dog food Tom would put in there for him. Things were great, until Julie caught a second mole, and her and Tom decided to put it in the same bucket as Molson... :/ only one mole remains. I think the second mole murdered Molson, he had a mean look to him.. and he was a little bigger. So sad.. Tom named this mole Ivan, as in Ivan the Terrible. I know you're probably all thinking "man, that's cruel, just let the creature go," but here's the dilema. It's damn cold out. The moles are chillin' in the walls for a reason. Let them go in the woods, they're going to burrow into a snowbank and die. If Tom's going to keep up with this mole catching business though, he's going to need more buckets and more dirt. RIP Molson..

Netflix has been treating me well. I got to watch one of the best movies I have ever seen.. "Into the Wild." Some of you have seen it I'm sure, but in case you haven't it's about a young guy, right out of college named Chris McCandless who gives up everything and leaves his life behind to seek adventure and hitchhike his way arond. He meets many people along the way who influence him and his ideas, but ultimately, his journey is his own. His final destination is the beautiful Alaskan wilderness, where he will sustain himself from the land, on his own. It's just a really good, inspiring movie.. Breaking off from society, pursuing happiness, self sufficiency.. It's based on a real guy, and I think the movie actually holds pretty true to the story, and there was also a book before the movie, which I really need to get my hands on.. Anyways, I loved it, and I reccomend it to anyone who hasn't watched it yet. Personally I'm a little on the hippie side sometimes, and watching this definitely brought that out. I feel like I need to go on some sort of adventure before I get too old and boring for it. I want to backpack around somewhere, maybe. Maybe Europe..Ireland, somewhere beautiful. Also unlike this guy though, I would rather not do it alone.

"Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return 'cause "the West is best." And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climatic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitch-hiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisened by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild." - Alexander Supertramp

Things of late

• Tea, tea, tea.


• NPR and This American Life broadcasts


• Stonyfield BaNilla yogurt


• Reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns"


• Hanging out with my dog.

This post has lacked in the visual aid department. I've honestly been too tired to go through the effort of uploading or searching for fitting pictures to accompany anything.. My apologies. I'm actually leaving for Syracuse in the morning to go to a farming convention with my mom. Should be interesting.We'll probably go shopping and check out the city too. We're staying atleast one night there, possibly a second if the weather is as bad as they're saying it's going to be. Well, I have to be up and getting ready in oh... 6 or 7 hours.. yikes. I should probably get to sleep. I'm hoping to post again about our trip fairly soon, but I wanted to squeeze an update on everything else in beforehand. Hope everything's going well for everyone :).

UPDATE:
I arrived safely and timely to my destination. I went shopping for awhile, picked up some books at the closing sale at Borders---is anyone else upset about this??! I felt like I was going to like, cry when I walked in there to see bare shelves and a shut down Seattle's Best :(. Now if I ever want a vanilla bean kula from there I'll have to actually GO to Seattle I bet. UGH :P. But it really does make me sad to see Borders go.. Now I'm just hanging out in the hotel room. I really like hotels, is that strange? I'm with my mom for this trip, but I would be perfectly okay with staying in a room by myself going on business or whatever, as long as it isn't a shithole or in some majorly creepy location. I just like traveling in general.

To increase the cute-factor of my post, I got around to adding a photo of my closet kitten. Now everybody say "Awwww" ;).

Olive

An Update? Why yes.

Yo. ;)
Things here haven't been too wild-crazy-exciting. But I have been working on that whole "let's be productive this semester" thing, and it's actually yielding some results. No missed classes[yet], my homework is usually done by class, or atleast done enough for me to understand what we're talking about and not fail a quiz. I have been going to the gym religiously. I am becoming a news junkie, which I have been trying to become ever since I started this whole journalism major. It takes awhile to get in the habit of checking the news, but Huffingtonpost.com makes it a lot easier for me to do. I like having a nice, print copy of The New York Times though, makes me feel savvy. Haha. But really, I've grown to love the articles I find in there. I finally got myself around to joining the college newspaper too. I hope I can write well for them, I haven't really had to write for a print audience before, but it shouldn't be much different than this. Except for less of my opinions and minescule tidbits about my every day life, hahah. Sometimes I try to throw something more substantial in there, I need to start doing that more.

Can you keep a secret? I didn't watch a second of the Superbowl. Dead serious. I realize this strips me of a few "American" fibers of my being..but I'll survive. I did watch Christina Aguilera's national anthem fail on youtube today though ;), talk about embarassing.


I honestly don't watch a lot of television to begin with, but I'm starting to get into the shows on National Geographic. I watched this special on Explorer called "How to Build a Beating Heart," that was pretty interesting I have to admit. Using the body's own stem cells to regenerate organs rather than sitting on a donor list, crossing your fingers that you aren't dead by the time it finally goes through. I don't know, I mean there's a lot of ethical issues behind the whole deal, and I know I for one am already concerned with the human population as it is--but maybe it could be a good thing. I would need a lot more research than one tv special to make that sort of call. They had this "skin gun" though, and I thought that was an amazing thing. Typically when you suffer a severe burn, it's a long, excrutiating process to get your skin back to a healthy state. It's hard on your whole body. I know what I know about burns and skin grafts from Tom, he was burned at 9 years old, and it was pretty bad..that's probably an understatement. I didn't know him back then, but he's told me about it, and you can still see the grafts though they've faded over the years. Anyways, on the show they had a gun, similar to that of a paint-spraying gun, except filled with your own skin cells, and with the aided percision of a computer they will coat the burnt area with adequate skin cells, and in a matter of DAYS, the skin looks normal. No removing skin from other body parts, no waiting for weeks or more to heal in a hospital, it's amazing what science can do. From what I could gather they're still working on getting it to be a standard procedure, but they have had a lot of success so far, and I think it would be a nice option for burn patients to have if it really works as well as the NatGeo special led me to believe. Another part of the video that was crazy, to see a rat heart beating independent from the body, that's a wow-ing visual. I don't know if anyone is like, into that kind of stuff, but here's the link to the preview if you are. http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/series/explorer/4828/Overview#tab-Overview




I WANT this, so much. Splurge...??! Ahh, I don't know. It's on Etsy. I love Etsy. But I need to be conservative with my wallet damnit. It doesn't help that I can't allow myself to walk out of Borders empty handed. But man, this shirt is so unique haha. Why must I care about fashion?

I'm going home this weekend. I feel so thankful/grateful/giddy that I have a best friend who

misses me to the extent that she'll drive down here and pick me up a weekend before the weekend my vacation starts, because she doesn't want to wait that long to hang out. That's a true friend right there :).

I hope that everything is splendid and well wherever you all may be.
Olive