Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Creativity Calls

I've been thinking, and the conclusion I have reached is to take this time to do great things for myself. With more time comes more opportunity. I can read more, explore more, photograph more. Just see the world in new ways.
Tonight was the end of the varsity soccer season. We made it to our second sectional game, and we played it well and hard, but lost 1-0. Noone was disappointed with our efforts. Some things got a little out of hand :P, and there was almost, almost, a fight, haha. Yeah, it was snowing too! I could barely feel my hands all game and I was constantly shivering. I missed having Amanda there :/. Talking to other girls on the team was nice though, and the connections I made tonight kind of made me sad that it was over. But atleast now I have more free time to be creative and do the things I love.
I've barely had time for reading aside from school assignments. I had started two books, and never got to finish them once classes began. The Memory Keeper's Daughter was one, and another was extremely short and I was close to finishing, What Ever Happened to Cass McBride. But it's been so long I may have to re-read them both in order to remember the details. I haven't taken pictures for artistic reasons in ages either, and I want to get back into that. I feel like I missed capturing the beauty of fall on film because the leaves are all fallen now, but maybe I'll still get the chance. Music is fun. I used to play the piano as a youngster :P, but I grew out of it, and now I want to get back in. I may invest in a keyboard so I can get myself back into it. There's a world of things I can busy myself with now that my afterschool schedule is cleared from soccer while my craving for creative distraction is going strong.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Things are looking up, buttercup.

So it's time I hold my head up high, and take whatever comes at me.
Nothing scares me too much anymore, I'm realizing I can handle things better than I thought. It's a good lesson, but I'm still learning. A love like this is not something I'm willing to throw away. Honestly, I don't care who thinks since we're teenagers, we must not have the slightest idea what love is, because we do. Oh trust me, we do.
Unless something happens to where he completely alienates himself from me, we're always going to be there for eachother, intertwined in eachother's lives, so to me, this is worth it. We aren't your typical boy&girl scenerio. The chemistry between us could probably cause a rather large building to spontaneously combust, and that's quite a feat :P. In case you haven't figured it out, we've been talking through things alot, and that's a huge help. I'm beginning to understand, and make myself understood. I like how we can always talk, instead of shutting ourselves down. One of my greatest beliefs is that best friends make the best lovers. I'm not talking your "bestie", hahah, but whoever you become closest to, of the gender you're interested. Especially if you grow up together. That's why Tom and I can't have a 'normal' breakup. We're still best friends, always have been, probably always will be, and that holds us together.

On a lighter night, oh my god! Did anyone see House kiss Cuddy tonight?! Shitttt son! That was crazy, hahaha. I love that show :). And don't worry, my posts will probably not be centered around my love life anymore, I'll find more interesting things to talk about, just give me time.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Cause I'm broken

When I'm lonsesome.
And I don't feel right, when you're gone away.. :/

The past few days have been torturous for me. I won't go into many details, cause the whole thing is pretty personal and, I don't know, it just hurts. Tom hasn't been feeling "right" about us lately, so he decided to break it off.. Me on the other hand, I don't get it at all. Everything felt so happy and right to me, and now it's all turned upside down, twisted and contorted, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do with myself. I just feel like I've lost a huge part of me, and I can't regain the balance. I didn't see this coming.

We're still friends.. but it's awkward. I always start crying, I feel like my questions make things worse, but there's so much I don't understand. I guess the main thing is, I don't see how this could feel "right". It feels terribly wrong to me, and I would imagine it isn't blissful for him either, especially watching me get all emotional, in turn making him emotional. It's awful. It doesn't seem necessary. This life is too short to be depressed. I just feel like I'm falling apart.

I can't do anything to fix it either, because he says it's not me at all.. it's just us being together no longer feels right. It frustrates me that he isn't trying harder to make this work, but maybe it can't be fixed to him.. I don't know. It just feels so wrong to me and there's nothing I can do to make it better.

*** I also want to make it very clear that he's not an asshole, haha. I don't hate all men, I don't want a voodoo doll copy of him to poke and prod with needles. Even though I can't stand this feeling and situation, I know his intentions aren't bad. He didn't want to continue on with the feelings he had, and end up hurting me worse.. I just wish he would attempt to sort out the confusion with how he feels, but I'm not him. Maybe there's nothing he's able to sort out, human emotions are a funny thing. I should provide a little background information I suppose. I began liking him four years ago, and we became practically best friends, but there was always a little more to it. Reading between the lines, there were obviously alot of feelings jumbled between us, and I admitted to them in.. eighth grade I believe, but he didn't return them. Later on down the road I found out he did start to get feelings for me as our friendship grew closer, but he didn't start dating me because he was afraid this would happen. As time went on, we got closer and closer, and finally he decided that we should be together. Almost ten happy months passed, and I can't even describe how good they were. But now, I'm here, and I've definitely lost my direction. I just want those good feelings back so badly.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Naturally helping is what we do best!

I am a broken record.

Always apologizing for my lack of time to blog, and then promising to improve, with the same results :P. So pathetic.

The whole "natural helpers" trip went well. Having Amanda there made it great :), but I made better friends with other people in the process. Like this Andrew kid. Before that trip, we never spoke, but since we were partnered, I found out he's a funny guy. And Kate, she's pretty nice :). I also met an assortment of n00bs to the highschool scene, that I never knew had existance. Overall, we did alot of roleplay, games, and had lectures. Definitely better than spending the whole day in classrooms, that's for sure. Plus I feel like I actually learned from it, like it gave tips on how to be a better listener/helper to people. I don't mind tips on how to do what I'm doing, better, but I do mind when people try to tell you exactly how to do something. I'm not 100% sure where I'm trying to go with that statement, hahah, but I felt like it needed to be said. Oh yeah, I was "Outstanding Olivia" for the day, we were given these alliterative nicknames. Like I named Andrew, Awesome Andrew. This counselor guy was Jamboree Jon... hahah.. But yeah, I liked the trip, it was an interesting experience.
Thanks to our little exclusion from school, the week whizzed by like nothing. Friday was the day we came back, at the very end, and then it was our last game. Unfortunately, we had alot of problems, like hurt players, and people who couldn't play due to failing grades, so we couldn't play to our full potential. Translation, we lost. Oh well though, I mean you win some, you lose some. Soccer is notttt my life. I spent the weekend trying to catch up on the things I've been neglecting, like organizing my room. It was messy, haha, and that irks me at times. I should've updated this, but no, I'm not smart enough to do THAT :P. I spent half of my Saturday with Tom, at his aunt and uncle's house. Even though I was just watching video games, I still enjoyed myself. Especially the zebra cake after dinner.. mmm. If you've never had it, I highly reccomend that you give it a shot. Sunday I actually went to work for the first time since... well, summer. The tournament park was hosting a series of games, so I got to go work in the store. It wasn't too bad. Monday was the way that Mondays are, slow and annoying, but I made it out alive! Today was alright despite the massive homework I've been given. This math has completely baffled me, and I'm really not sure if I know at all what I'm doing. I hate rational expressions >:[. Tuesdays are never bad though, because they're [H]ouse nights :P! I'm so obsessed..
In Holocaust we're reading The Book Theif. I'm actually excited because I've been meaning to get ahold of that book, and now it's an assignment :P. So it all works out for me. I kind of have a situation. I'm not sure if any of you have heard about Rachel's Challenge, started by friends/family of a girl who died in Columbine, but our school has a club for it now, and after the assembly I signed up and everything, because I thought the whole "being kind" theory behind it was a nice concept. However, now I'm kinda undecided. Like the theory is nice, and the girl had alot of good ideas, but organizing kindness seems contridictary. A truly "nice" person would do these acts of kindness, as they're called, naturally. I don't really believe in assigning roles for people to show compassion. Having the "duty" to be nice takes away the sincerity. I just don't think being a good person is something that should be organized and planned. I'm not quite sure what to do though because I was appointed a 'leader' of it, through some method of selection, and I feel like if I were to try to get out of it, I'd get criticized as not being compassionate, when that's totally not the case. I just like to be nice naturally. Any thoughts?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Update Time!

Took me long enough, right?

It's just that I've had so much going on, and during my "downtime", I was too exhausted to put together a decent post. So now I'll recap on what's been going on, but I'll spare most of the details so this entry doesn't go on for miles :P.

Firstly, Rise Against was amazing!!! So, so, worth missing practice. It was Tom, Derek, Aaron, Amanda, and me. Plus we met up with Zack, Tyler, Jared, their friend Jules, and surprisingly Tom's cousin who lives two hours away was there! It was pretty neat to have so many friends there :P. We worked so hard to have a good standing place, and our effort paid off :). I love the energy that concerts radiate. Everyone's just so into the music, it's such a cool feeling. The only downside is when drunken girls spill their beer on you, and then when others proceed to rub their butts against you for like 10 minutes. Quite annoying, yes? Otherwise it was great. I loved having Amanda there because we always go to concerts together, and we always stick together, holding hands :P. I don't really care if some stranger thinks we're gay, haha. Having Tom there was a nice change too :). Although he spent most of his time in the "mosh pit", while I held onto his glasses, hahahah, I still liked sharing the experience with him. Will, Tom's cousin, was lucky enough to get past security, and ON STAGE, where he proceded to high five the lead singer of Rise Against, oh man was I jealous. So basicalllyyyy, the show was great, and I loved it :).

That's me (smiling :D), Tom, and Amanda. I absolutely love those two.

Failure hit me Friday. Needless to say, I did not pass my road test as I had hoped :/. Honestly though, I think the whole thing was quite rediculous. For starters, the biggest thing I did wrong was speed (23mph) in a school zone. But the freaking school zone sign was covered with vines and tree branches, my mom checked afterwards. So even when the tester told me it was a school zone, I couldn't find the sign. Then the other thing I know I goofed up on was my right-of-way. I guess I slowed down too much when I made my turns, which "impeded traffic", but I was only trying to be cautious since I was taking a test. Ugh. So yeah, but I didn't think I made that many mistakes, but the guy sure thought I did. He wasn't the nicest dude around either. He had a mustache, that's your number one cue that someone is evil, hahah. I'm retaking my test next month at a different location.

Friday night, after hanging out with Tom at my house, he invited me back to their house to hang out with him and Julie for the weekend :). I've really missed their house, and it was nice to be able to spend so much time with him. I was gone most of the day Saturday because of a soccer game, but Sunday I stayed their as well. Monday I went grocery shopping, ran onto Amanda, and then caught myself up on homework. Plus I tried returning your comments :). Thanks for them, by the way. I feel so bad that I can't keep up well with updating. It's depressing. Amanda slept over Monday night, so we chilled & such. There isn't much to say about today, but I have a feeling I'll be getting sick soon, since Tom came down with something. Tomorrow and Thursday I get to miss school to go on this "Natural Helpers" retreat, where people who students chose as reliable people to talk to about problems, go to improve their skills. Amanda's going too, so it should be pretty fun :). I'll write all about it once I get back Thursday night. I think my update is done, so I'll go work on homework, and all of that unimportant junk :P. Adios!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Wow, that's all I can say for tonight :P.
Our soccer game was amazing, like we seriously have never played so well. We were up against our "rival school", who have not been beaten in a league game in two years. Our coach gave us a wicked motivational peptalk, and made us all promise to do everything we could to win the game. So our focus was crazy. Once we got out on the field after warming up, we did great. This is a team that usually walks all over us, but not this time. We gave it our all, and the result was a tie. But yeah, it was all pretty intense, like all of the energy and stuff. I think every girl on the team was giving it their all.

Okay, so recap time :P. My movie night weekend was pretty nice. I chilled with Tom beforehand, and up until it was time to go out and get the chinese food. Jenna brought us and Amanda to Chopsticks, where we bought a shitload of food. I think the bill totaled to like, $50, for five people :P. Us four hung out and began watching Superbad until Julie got out of work and switched places with Tom. I call it the good old twin switcheroo :P. We actually didn't watch many movies, it was kinda pathetic, haha. Just Superbad and Killer Tomatoes Strike Back. I was kinda hoping to see a movie I hadn't watched before, but whatevahhh.

Julie and Amanda both feel asleep fairly early. It was fun hanging out while we were all awake though :). Jenna drove herself home around 1, and then I went to bed. Julie had to work the next day, so it was just me and Amanda chillaxing until the late afternoon, when Jenna brought us to see Nick&Norah's Infinite Playlist. Ah! I loved it! I reccomend watching it, it was adorable.
Monday was well, Monday. I played a soccer game, we won, and then I came back to hang out with Tom. He's so tired lately, it sucks :(.

Today was just... intense, hahah. Besides soccer, I can't think of anything to discuss really. However, I am PUMPED for Thursday, the Rise Against concert!! I haven't been to a show in forever, so I'm really looking forward to it. Then Friday I get to retry the whole roadtest process, I sure hope I pass. This post sucked :P, but whatever. It's time for me to watch [H]ouse, and try to finish chemistry WITHOUT my book. Ughhhh.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Check yes, Juliet.

Lately, is nice :).

I'll give the recap. Tuesday, I'm not so sure about. Oh wait, it's coming back to me.. Tom and I watched Bridge to Teribithia after practice and chores, hahahha. We're so cool, right? I found parts of that movie quite depressing :(. We didn't intend to watch this, by the way. It was just a product of nothing being on, channel surfing, and Tom's issue with having to finish a movie once he starts watching it. Wednesday was even better. Our anniversary is kind of confusing, because nine months ago he basically told me we were dating, over myspace. I don't know why he didn't wait until he saw me face to face, but this is the situation :P. But I didn't read the message until a day later, so he swears the first is our day, while I believe the second. This week however, I had an away game scheduled for Thursday, so I broke down and we celebrated on the first.

Our date of choice was Aimee's Dinner & a Movie :). I thought it'd be empty, but instead it was friggen packed. Who knew anyone other than Tom hadn't seen The Dark Knight yet, I figured he was the only one, hahah. But it wasn't so bad, our waitress was nice. Tom sounded confused, so she was like "You high son?! Just kidding, just kidding" We found that amusing :P. And she was nice enough to relocate us to a booth when I asked her if one was open, because when you go to the movies with your boyfriend, it's a given that you want to snuggle. I strongly dislike sitting in separate chairs 3 feet apart, so you can't even talk. The food was good, too :). I already saw the movie, as I told you guys before when I asked for your opinions on it, and the Dark Knight is definitely worth watching twice. When it was over, Tom's dad called us and told us to meet him in the basement of the theater. I was kind of weirded out by that, thinking "What could possibly be in the basement..?" But my questions were beyond answered when I walked down the stairs.

There was a model railroad train club in the basement!! Hahah, it was unlike anything I had ever seen! There were tables set up all over with these elaborate towns and villages, with working model trains, it was insane. Plus the people working on this stuff were a bunch of 50+ year old men in sweaters, hahah. It was great. Tom and I were so out of place, but they gave us their card and told us we were welcome to join :P. Tom wasn't sold on the idea, even when I bribed him with the thought of matching conductor hats & whistles. Like the whole thing is "dorky", but it's actually kind of neat. Up close, the plaster mountains look realistic along with the plastic towns and lakes. Definitely alot of time went into these. Maybe not my hobby of choice, but I can definitely appreciate how much work goes into it. Needless to say, that definitely topped off our anniversary well :P.

Thursday was okay, we had an away game, which we lost. But we played well, and that's all that matters really. I can definitely feel the effects of fall when I'm out there in the harsh wind, wearing shorts and a jersey top. I wish I invested in under armor like all the cool cats on the team. Amanda came over afterwards :). I helped her with math and we chilled for awhile. Today, which is Friday, has been pretty awesome. I officially own a car! Yes, I bought that one I posted earlier, well technically my dad bought it, and I'm now in debt to him, haha. But yeah, I'm super excited. Maybe I'll post some pictures later? I feel weird because I have the urge to go sit in it, hahaha. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I actually own my own car. Since I went to buy that, I missed practice, and came home early to help Tom finish chores :). Once we got inside, he fell right asleep though, so I spent awhile just chillaxin with myself, until I decided to wake him up and turn on some [H]ouse. Well, I think I'm all caught up now, my movie night is tomorrow :D. So yes, exciting times lately.

Oh wow, I almost forgot, Tom cut his hair. Hahah, big deal, I know. But let me elaborate.. He let one of the "cosmotology" students cut it on the busride back to school from BOCES, hahahah. So when I waited for him at the lockers, I see him coming towards me with this new bowlcut!, I definitely didn't expect that :P. From the looks of it, I don't think the girl is going too far in her field.., but I love how spontaneous he is. Most girls would actually be mad if their precious boyfriend came to them with an awful haircut, or something by choice, but not me. I think it's awesome that he can say he got his haircut on the back of a schoolbus :P. Yeah, the haircut's goofy, but whatever. I couldn't care less, plus I like how many people he made laugh from looking at it. They laugh because it's Tom being Tom, and there's noone else who does things quite like him :). We're dorks. It's just how we are, and I love every minute of it.