Sunday, October 26, 2008

Cause I'm broken

When I'm lonsesome.
And I don't feel right, when you're gone away.. :/

The past few days have been torturous for me. I won't go into many details, cause the whole thing is pretty personal and, I don't know, it just hurts. Tom hasn't been feeling "right" about us lately, so he decided to break it off.. Me on the other hand, I don't get it at all. Everything felt so happy and right to me, and now it's all turned upside down, twisted and contorted, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do with myself. I just feel like I've lost a huge part of me, and I can't regain the balance. I didn't see this coming.

We're still friends.. but it's awkward. I always start crying, I feel like my questions make things worse, but there's so much I don't understand. I guess the main thing is, I don't see how this could feel "right". It feels terribly wrong to me, and I would imagine it isn't blissful for him either, especially watching me get all emotional, in turn making him emotional. It's awful. It doesn't seem necessary. This life is too short to be depressed. I just feel like I'm falling apart.

I can't do anything to fix it either, because he says it's not me at all.. it's just us being together no longer feels right. It frustrates me that he isn't trying harder to make this work, but maybe it can't be fixed to him.. I don't know. It just feels so wrong to me and there's nothing I can do to make it better.

*** I also want to make it very clear that he's not an asshole, haha. I don't hate all men, I don't want a voodoo doll copy of him to poke and prod with needles. Even though I can't stand this feeling and situation, I know his intentions aren't bad. He didn't want to continue on with the feelings he had, and end up hurting me worse.. I just wish he would attempt to sort out the confusion with how he feels, but I'm not him. Maybe there's nothing he's able to sort out, human emotions are a funny thing. I should provide a little background information I suppose. I began liking him four years ago, and we became practically best friends, but there was always a little more to it. Reading between the lines, there were obviously alot of feelings jumbled between us, and I admitted to them in.. eighth grade I believe, but he didn't return them. Later on down the road I found out he did start to get feelings for me as our friendship grew closer, but he didn't start dating me because he was afraid this would happen. As time went on, we got closer and closer, and finally he decided that we should be together. Almost ten happy months passed, and I can't even describe how good they were. But now, I'm here, and I've definitely lost my direction. I just want those good feelings back so badly.

6 comments:

Wandering Child said...

I hate boys. I just went through something similar today. Details on my blog.

Why do they do this? Why do they even BOTHER going out with them if they know they don't? That is the height of cowardice. It's despicable.

Skippy said...

Olive I'm so sorry, about what happened. I send a big bear hug! But squeeze a Teddy and try to stay away from watching the Notebook.

You should seek the help of two guys, you might now them. I think their names are Ben and Jerry. Yeah, their chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream really is awesome, super comforting.

Remember to breath...this to shall pass.

Wandering Child said...

Actually I have to see him every week until July. CCD you know.

Natalie! said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that! Wow, ten months? It seems like after so long he owes you more of an explanation than just not feeling "right" :P Hang in there, hopefully with some time all of the confusion can be sorted out. Skippy seems to have the right idea, ice cream does seem to help make even the worst situations just a little bit better.

Hugs and Hershey kisses (:

Nisey♥Smooches said...

i liked ur words of wisdom lol:)

Nisey♥Smooches said...

ur so welcome :)