Thursday, January 13, 2011


I spent the past few days in a way that I haven't in a very long time---primarily at my house and alone. This sounds like the beginning to a sad post, but it really isn't. I needed this time alone, it was honestly refreshing. You see, I'm the kind of person who's always up for anything. If a friend tries to make plans, you can almost count on me saying yes. And a lot of the time if nobody else makes plans, I do.
Recently though, I've started to feel like by always rushing around, always having to have something to do, someone to be with, I've missed out on a lot. I barely read. I run myself into the ground so the time that I do spend at home, it's spent sleeping/in a vegetative state sitting on the computer checking Facebook. I don't even watch movies, so I miss out even on that cultural aspect. I have a TIME subscription and I barely read more than an article when I get it, because I have somewhere to be, something to do. I feel like I don't learn a goddamn thing, ever.

I used to have a passion to learn new things, I used to be so much more aware of everything around me, and somehow I managed to lose that. I feel as though I've gotten progressively dumber, or atleast much less curious and motivated. Growing up I was always considered "the smart one" among my friends, I think after awhile I got it in my head that it meant I didn't have to keep working for it. I was just smart, that's who I was, naturally, nothing I needed to work on. But intellect extends farther than your grades in school, and now, I feel like I know so little. Friends will tell me random facts or news about things that they're interested in--but I feel like I never have anything like that to offer and that scares me.
So during my solitary confinement(which I'm over-exaggerating because I did leave the house a couple of times) I realized that the only way I'm going to fix this problem is if I motivate myself to have more interest in learning and less interest in always being on the move/always available to do whatever. Being around people is usually a great way to learn, but in my case, I really don't spend much time relaxing by myself, at all, so it's something I really should work on. Then when I'm not with people, I'm usually working. Even when I do have my time to myself, a lot of it is spent running errands so I'm still just as worn down. I think these past few days have put me in a better direction. I FINALLY cleaned my disaster zone of a room.. I took down a lot of wall decorations too, I want my room to look older, not the same as it's been since the 9th grade. I still have some favorite drawings/cards hung up from friends, I can't bring myself to take those down.. Nor do I really want to.. but my room looks a whole lot better now. Then I made a point to watch a couple of movies I've been dying to see, but never took the time to rent or buy.. I caved in and set myself up with Netflix, which I feel has proven to be a good decision.. I love the watch instantly feature. I caught myself up with 'Shutter Island' and 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. Both blew me away, I can't believe that I've been missing out on this stuff. And reading. This I still need to work on, but I'm getting closer to finishing 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo'. I have so many books just sitting here in my bookcase, waiting for me to read them. I don't know, I just feel really "uncultured" as Tom put it awhile ago, we were feeling the same way about not feeling like we know much. I really don't enjoy that feeling, so I'm going to do whatever I can to change it. I've got to get these wheels cranking and these creative juices flowing.

I know this post has been kind of well, weird.. But sometimes you just have to throw your feelings out there and hope that there's some sense among the babbling.
I guess I never really explained why I have been stuck at my house lately. You see, when I'm not at my house, which is a large portion of the time, I'm usually at Tom's house. I really love that place honestly is my other home. The past few days they've been away on another snowboarding trip--I was invited again, but this time I chose to sit it out. I was supposed to have work Wednesday(which I ended up having a snowday from), plus I need to quit spending all of the money I have. They were planning to come back today, but now the plan is to come back tomorrow, which I really hope happens. Four days at home have been good for me, but now it's about time that I see them again. Also when I'm not at their house, I'm usually hanging out with Derek and people in his basement. Him and Zack have been in Jersey for the past three days. Luckily I've gotten to spend a little time with Amanda, we went out to dinner one night at a place called the Circus Cafe, that was a really nice time :), but I have missed seeing the rest of the gang. Tuesday I head back to school, so it's pretty necessary that I get to see some people. On a random note, I'm trying to teach myself german. It will probably fail miserably, I'm only on the alphabet/simple pronounciation stage in my book, but I'm really going to try to get something out of it. If you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to lay down with my book and read until two o' clock in the morning for the third night in a row. This time I'm getting a bit of a late start on it though, but it has to count for something..
Have a wonderful weekend!

Listening: On Melancholy Hill - Gorillaz
Craving: A glass of water, that's a surprise
Reading: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo



Ali said...

I know how you feel. Your creative juices will start flowing in no time! I can guarantee that! :D

I've been sort of the opposite--working really hard on school, exercising, crap like that. Ugh, school sucks. Anyhow, I know you'll get motivated again and back in the swing of things, Olive!

You're teaching yourself German? Awesome!! That's really cool!! Good luck with it! :)

Nicole Linette said...

Love it.
Love it.

Olive, we share the same goal that of which I have declared cultural enlightenment.
No joke, I am on par with everything you said. I guess the feeling is stronger when I'm at school, but I feel like my conversations are lacking because I've lost sense of what's going on in the world. It's a bit of a struggle because I was never one to get into politics, but I make a conscious effort to at least check the headlines on the NY Times every morning. I'm reading more, catching up on movies and the painting helps too. I'm nervous that once I return to school, it all falls apart from lack of time :\ BUT KEEP GOING! We have to motivate each other :). Haha, and that's great you're striving to learn German. I was just thinking this morning that I want to dust off my Spanish and relearn that again!

I read your previous post and it looked like you had an amazing New Years!! I wish I had friends that lived in the city-- I don't know, one day I'll make it. I think the picture of the Christmas tree is my favorite. It looks you've had a solid break.


p.s. I still don't go back until next weekend, but I wish you all the best for the new semester! Enjoy this last weekend home.

Natalie said...

I definitely understand where you're coming from.

It's just kind of hard to comprehend how much information is out there in the world, readily available for us to consume. So many things to read and hear and watch and learn all in one lifetime, and you don't want to leave anything out. It's certainly easy to get behind on those kinds of things with the hustle and bustle of everything else is going on. But those days when you do finally get to take a breather and focus on enriching your mind really are precious!

As for making your room feel more grown up, I kind of feel like I need to do that, but I wouldn't know where to even start. I have stuffed animals and American Girl Dolls and all of the signs of my earlier fairy obsession... It's pretty bad. I think my room could be mistaken for that of a six year old.

Anyway, good luck on your new quest to expand your mind and learn new things! Oh, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one of my favorites. :)

Helennn Louise said...

I'm glad that you've managed to find some time to read and watch films again. It's great just to feel that same rush and thrill you had at the beginning. BTW I'd totally would have suggested reading Shutter Island before watching because Dennis Lehane is a literature genius. His work is amazing. If you ever get the chance to, watch Mystic River. FANTASTIC.